That Player Really Was A Chode-Munching Cock Goblin And Other Reasons I Deserve To Be Unbanned

We all make mistakes. Sometimes I eat too much food, or stay out too late, or pick a hero below A-tier, but I always admit when I’m wrong or go too far. But one thing I am absolutely positive about is this: the player I was banned for shit-talking was definitely, incontrovertibly a chode-munching cock goblin. I deserve to be unbanned, and here’s why.

Should I be banned for speaking the truth? If so, I would also be banned for expressing the fact that the guy’s mom jerks off street punks for a dime apiece, and that the only reason he was born was because some braindead sailor paid twice as much to shoot his rancid seed into her despicable possum womb. Why should my right to free speech be suppressed?

Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi—like me, these revolutionaries were punished for speaking truth to power. Their truths involved the fall of tyrants and the inherent equality of all humans. My truth is that this jizzrag stole my kill and then spammed laugh, so I helpfully informed him that he should play Russian roulette and save his family the disappointment of knowing they share blood with such a pathetic cumstain every day. You’re welcome.

My two-week ban is akin to Jan Hus being burned at the stake for criticizing the Catholic Church in 1415. Jan Hus, on the other hand, didn’t have to go fourteen days with only offline play to entertain him, so who’s the greater victim here? Come on, mods. Be on the right side of history.

As a loyal customer, I believe that we can reconcile and move past this. I am willing to continue my patronage of this game on the following conditions: (1) that my account is unbanned and provided permanent immunity from further suspensions, and (2) that the dick demon in question publicly espouses his love for gobbling the one-eyed snake—or is permanently banned, one of the two. I think we can all agree that’s more than fair. He stole my kill, after all.

[Editor’s note: when asked whether he would give in to these demands, the player in question (after being informed of the existence of this piece) responded, “I actually am gay” but also, “Nah, fuck that guy.” His account remains unbanned.]

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