If We’re Okay With Pokemon Eugenics, Why Is What I Do In My Basement Illegal?

Nintendo’s Pokemon series is one of the most wildly successful game franchises of all time, and also a eugenicist’s wet dream. That’s what I assume, anyway, as a not-eugenicist. It just seems like the prospect of breeding and evolving genetic abominations to pit against each other in brutal physical combat would be extremely intriguing to a hypothetical eugenicist who isn’t me. So if we’re okay with Pokemon eugenics, why is what I do in my basement illegal?

The science of eugenics, which has at least two marked differences from what’s currently going on downstairs, so stop asking, was once a rising star in the scientific community. Its reputation fell into disarray after World War II due to abuse by German doctors, who I am in no way related to. These horrible tragedies heralded the death of an entire field, one whose potential hadn’t even begun to be discovered, until n—never. It will never truly see the light of day outside the fictional world of Pokemon, or anywhere past that door in the kitchen. When it comes to desirable genetic traits, gotta catch ‘em all, am I right kids?

So why is my simple hobby, which isn’t even eugenics really, against the law? It should be a man’s own business what he decides to do in his basement with a screwdriver, some electric pencil sharpeners, a shitload of duct tape, an undefined number of consenting adults, and a vape pen battery.

You all know what I’m talkin’ about.

So you’re telling me if I threw on a lab coat and started sending kids on dangerous adventures, you could turn this whole thing into a franchise? I mean, Professor Oak sent that kid to fight against the actual mafia using literal slave-beasts that were forced to obey humans’ every whim. I send one kid to do some light espionage and I’m the one on “house arrest?” Gimme a break.

Nintendo builds an army of obedient fighting beasts to rampage across the tri-state area, and it’s a cute kid’s game. Someone else tries something that’s not nearly as bad considering the waivers that people signed, and he’s “unstable” and “currently being held at the county jail.” I’m just saying.

I’m just saying!

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