Disappointing: The New Elder Scrolls Location Confirmed To Be Akron, Ohio

Sad news out of the usually joyous city of Bethesda, Maryland, as the newly Microsoft-acquired Bethesda Games has announced that The Elder Scrolls VI will take place in Akron, Ohio. The company had been mum on any news on the next entry in their blockbuster series, until yesterday, when the location was revealed by Todd Howard.

“We are very excited,” Howard said in his press release, clearly very misled about how interesting the location was. “We want people to really feel the culture and pulse of Northeastern Ohio and its central hub of Akron. The players are going to have a wonderful time going out to Lake Erie to catch some fish, and then battling roving bands of people who own Confederate flags despite being far in the north. And what better place than the Cuyahoga to practice your restoration magic after being stabbed by a meth addict?”

Howard went on to explain that this location was chosen after intense debate, with the jungle land of Elsweyr being considered and the dark swamps of Black Marsh being an extremely close contender. In the end, they decided to go with a mid-sized city that produces tires. Other areas that were in consideration were High Rock, Flint, Michigan, and the bottom of the ocean.

“What the fuck?” said incumbent Akron mayor Dan Horrigan, who didn’t seem to realize he was being recorded. “Have you been to Akron? I mean, shit man, I don’t even want to be here. I had to be on ecstasy my entire campaign just to fake enthusiasm for this terrible fucking city. Oh wow, we have Goodyear, la-di-fucking-da. I play video games to escape from reality, and now they’re telling me I’m gonna have to learn magic at the local community center instead of a glowing wizard college. Fuck that shit. This place can suck my puckered asshole. Excuse me, I have to go to a dinner with the local community leaders and tell them that they should look out for Khajiits and shit.”

Todd Howard also confirmed that the upcoming Starfield will take place in low Earth orbit, directly above the city of Gary, Indiana.

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