Mischievous Faerie Promises To Return Your Name For $8/Month

How devious! The druids report a stir in the fae community; a mischievous faerie has stolen the names of the hundreds of millions of people who use Twitter. Don’t worry, dear travelers, the trickster has promised to return your name for a reasonable price: only eight dollars a month.

“Your name is important to you, and I’m more than happy to let you have it on a month-to-month basis,” said the big-foreheaded woodland sprite, tittering and snickering. “You need people to know you’re a C-level YouTube celebrity, and I’m here to help. I want to return your name, but please understand, I’ve lost half of my advertisers this week. Won’t you help a poor wretch like me survive in a crowded market?”

“It’s simple,” he said. “For just eight dollars a month, you and others will know that you’re exactly who you are. You’ll also have priority in conversations, fewer advertisements, and miraculously, thicker hair!”

The sly pixie went on to explain that he asked the treefolk who created his driverless vehicles to verify the purchase and leasing rights to your name, stating, “I have the utmost faith in them to have the contracts written by the end of the week, or they’re fired. The pit of enchanted flame is ready and waiting.”

The faerie also confirmed that, for the same price, you can also buy anyone else’s name, but if you try to buy “Elon Musk,” your account will be suspended indefinitely.