Game director and proud “super-straight” Jordan B. Skeeterson has expressed concern over a daunting new task: sharing his transphobic views with his entirely transgender programming team.
“I think trans people are an abomination,” said Skeeterson. “But I’m not sure how exactly I’m going to bring that up with Juniper, Juniper, Zoe, Juniper, Zoey, Zoe, Luna, Aidan, and Kai.”
Skeeterson spends much of his days posting on Mumsnet forums about how men are invading women’s spaces, but as he looks out over the sea of blue, pink, and purple hair that fills the programmers’ bullpen, he feels that maybe he is the one who doesn’t belong.
“Trans people are just better at computer stuff,” complains Skeeterson, jacking off to a picture of J.K. Rowling. “I read online that the way you become trans is that you get a little computer implanted into your dick. Or if you don’t have a dick at the start, then they put a computer in your pussy and it grows a robot dick for you. This is what I read online.”
A quick scan of the programmers’ workspace seems to confirm this theory—the “better at computer stuff” theory, that is. The computers are festooned with trans-positive stickers, ranging from the earnest “trans rights are human rights” to the presumably ironic “futanari pride.” One of the programmers is Bridget from Guilty Gear.
“Maybe there’s some kind of societal reason so many programmers are transgender,” mused Skeeterson, who had finished jacking off to his J.K. Rowling photo and was now jacking off while watching a Dave Chappelle special. “Or HRT stands for Human Robot Transformation, and what they do is they inject microchips into your nipples, so if you see a trans person with boobs it means those boobs are full of computers, and if they don’t have boobs it means that their brains went into their boobs and the computer went into their brain, and then they cut off the boobs so they’re just all computer now, and that’s why they’re good at computer stuff. This is what I read online.”
Right now, Skeeterson’s team of gender-diverse coders are hard at work on the studio’s next game, which is about a girl who’s really depressed for no reason and the villain is an evil version of herself that she sees in the mirror, for no reason.