New PUBG Game Mode To Determine Last Person Interested In Playing Anymore

In its most recent press release, PUBG Corp promised it would answer fan questions about the direction the game was moving in—a tall order for a title that’s been shrouded in so much recent controversy.

“PUBG’s newest game mode is going to be a little different,” says Brendan “PlayerUnknown” Greene in the game’s most recent press release. “In fact, if you own PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds, you’re already playing it. The concept of Battlegrounds has always been about fighting to be the last one standing, but this time, you’ll be competing with much more than ninety-nine other players. In our new Ultimate Elimination game mode, the winner will be the last player still interested in playing our game at all after the endless torrent of misery we’re going to, and have already, put them through.”

The new game mode promises a chicken dinner to the last player of PUBG to persist through connectivity problems, hyper-aggressive monetization, an abundance of cheaters, and the ever-present lure of better-optimized games such as Fortnite and tabletop checkers.

“The base game of Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds isn’t easy, and you shouldn’t expect Ultimate Elimination to be any easier,” the press release goes on to say. “We’re seriously going to run this game into the ground. May the best player win!”

New features that promise to bring an extra competitive edge to Ultimate Elimination include:

  • Unremovable Norton Antivirus ads directly in center of screen
  • Battle pass requirement for use of W key and left click
  • A mod API given exclusively to hackers
  • Gameplay banned on all networks besides 4G LTE
  • Randomization of mouse sensitivity settings every match
  • Removal of all maps besides a small rock off of the Erangel coast
  • And more!

Ultimate Elimination is all about loyalty to a game that has done nothing but brutalize its fans since day one,” Greene said to finish off the release. “Which is why the winner will be sent instructions to visit their closest Boston Market to purchase a chicken dinner with a side of corn and mashed potatoes using their own personal funds. As long as they’ve got a battle pass, of course.”