Opinion: If There’s No Fishing Minigame You Can Take That Shit To The Garbage

Listen up, kids. I’ve played more than a couple games in my time. I played the very first Final Fantasy game on the Famicom in the original Japanese, and I hated it. I speak with some experience when I say: most of this shit sucks. Left 4 Dead? Garbage. Dishonored? Worse than garbage. Sonic the Hedgehog? Is it the Big the Cat storyline from the original Sonic Adventure where you just fish for that fucking frog? No? Get that shit out of my face, man! What happened to the real games, the ones with soul? You know what I’m talking about. That’s right: if your game doesn’t have a fishing minigame, you can take that shit straight to the trash.

I’m sick and tired of the mainstream gamers. You wanna know how I know you guys are worthless? You made Mario the most iconic character on the planet. The plumber, of all people! Put down that socket wrench and pick up a tackle box next time. I will concede that the Mario Party series, i.e. the only Mario games worth playing, do contain the occasional fishing minigame, but that still leaves the franchise on thin fucking ice. Galaxy? Sunshine? What am I supposed to do with a goddamn underwater level? Nintendo is so tantalizingly close to getting the point. Sunshine is based on a fucking tropical island.

They at least had the good sense to put collectible fish in Breath of the Wild, but even then, you have to pick that up with your bare hands. Uh, sure, that’s fishing if I’m a bear. Where’s the elegance? Mankind has spent millennia perfecting its dominion over nature, and you want me to kill a fish with a fucking bomb? What is this, Finding Nemo? Let’s wrap this shit up already. Remember that scene in Finding Nemo with just actual bombs? Jesus, Pixar.

Here’s my problem with your no-fishing-level, dynamic-story-telling-with-no-minigame-time-sinks-because-the-story-can-support-a-full-length-playthrough-by-itself looking ass. Your game doesn’t appeal to the common man. Do you think the common man can relate to being a gigantic gorilla jumping around with a huge energy gun? No. Can he relate to the same gigantic gorilla, just fishin’? Absolutely.

Anyway, sorry, to answer your question, no I don’t like League of Legends.

Hey gamers: join our community on Discord and find us on Facebook and Twitter.