This weekend, my eight-year-old son Jeremy fainted in a tragic accident, skinning his knee on the rug and passing out seemingly for no reason. While his mother and I love him very much and are both extremely concerned about his health, it’s not up to us how to proceed. You see, our family is a Nuzlocke run, and the rules state pretty explicitly that Jeremy’s gotta go.
If anyone wants a decent low-level normal type on their team, please get in contact with us ASAP. No trade necessary. Jeremy is a good kid, but he’s utterly dead to us. We recognize that we could easily abandon him on the side of a dusty, abandoned road miles from civilization, but part of the Nuzlocke challenge is giving your team nicknames in order to form an emotional bond. That’s why we called him Jeremy (or Jare Bear, on occasion) instead of “Human,” which would’ve been pretty confusing anyway, as Jeremy is the third human on the team with two older siblings. We truly want what’s best for our son even though he’s a little pussy who can’t handle a skinned knee, and we’re trying to find him a loving new home as soon as we can.
You may be wondering why my wife and I chose to start our family as a Nuzlocke run. Simply put, we did it for the same reason anyone has kids: viral fame. Since the birth of our starter, Rachel, our engagement on Twitch has skyrocketed. It hasn’t been easy: we have to move to a new area whenever we want a new child, and a kid who faints for any reason simply needs to hit the road. This has never happened until Jeremy’s recent disappointment, but the Jacobsons’ commitment to showing up in a two-minute novelty video on your Twitter feed is unwavering. Our family is far from optimal, but that’s what makes it so fun.
Perhaps the most difficult aspect of the Nuzlocke challenge has been training. We’ve signed up our children for various martial arts and self-defense classes from a very young age. To ensure that they’re unbeatable, we also encourage them to get into fights with other kids at school as often as possible—something their teachers are not happy about, let me assure you. We should’ve known Jeremy would fail us like this, as he’s never quite taken to this lifestyle, instead preferring creative activities, such as coloring and choir, like the weakling he is. That’s just the nature of the Nuzlocke run, however, and we have no choice but to cut our losses and carry on.
For more information on how we have brutally abused our children for years and refuse to stop, check out NuzlockeFamily on Twitch, where you can watch a fourteen-year-old chasing squirrels in our backyard for five hours.