He’s Not My President If He Can’t Speedrun Luigi’s Mansion

Yeah, Donald? You wanna be my president? What’s your time, pal?

Oh, you think I’m talking about some political shit? What’s your time on the Senate floor? Nah, I don’t care about any of that. You’ve just gotta answer one simple question, Mr. So-Called-President: how quickly can you play the Nintendo classic Luigi’s Mansion to completion?

ISIS? Fuck ISIS. Less talk about peace in the Middle East and more talk about how quickly you’re going to get all of those ghosts into that vacuum. Maybe then we can start talking about some of the less pressing issues, like your Yoshi’s Island speedrun or the rising tide of neo-Nazism. You know what? I’m even going to let you off the hook and not ask you about how fast you can get Super Mario Sunshine down. That’s for you to know, and for me to assume it’s at least three hours. Bitch.

Ties to Russia? How about ties to Japan? You talk a big game, but I’ll bet you haven’t even finished a Nintendo game in one sitting before. You think that the UN is the moral compass of the modern world? Try Twin Galaxies, pal. Politico can say whatever they want about you, but you’d better bet I’m going to be checking your speedrun video for splicing. You’re under the microscope now, bucko.

What, you’re going for eight years in office? Double four-year terms? That’s some weak shit and you know it. If you can’t speedrun the American presidency in five months tops, there’s no way you’re taking this seriously. You’re going to go down as a disgrace in the history books right next to the TSA and Todd Rogers. If you can’t even give us a ballpark of how long it takes you to save Luigi from that god-forsaken haunted shithole, how can we trust you with the Konami code, much less the nuclear codes?

Oh wow, nine minutes on Any%? Passable.

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