Steam To Allow Porn Games Only If Gabe Newell Gets To Watch

In a huge leap forward for digital degeneracy, former game development company Valve has given approval for a fully uncensored porn game to be sold on Steam. While initially, this decision seemed to be motivated by a desire to appeal to the massive “hentai profile picture” demographic, Valve announced today that future porn games will only be approved if, quote, “Gabe Newell gets to watch.”

“Mr. Newell’s decision is final: approval will only be granted if he is allowed access to every stage of development, from concept art to shipping,” read the official statement sent to various NSFW developers. “You don’t need to know why. Just, you know, get going. Do your thing. HuniePop guys, I’m looking at you. Go nuts! Nobody is gonna stop you. Please. I need this.”

Coinciding with this announcement, Steam has updated both its user agreement and privacy policy: it will now require gamers to keep their webcams on and uncovered at all times, and has amended the “Rights and Control Mechanisms” section of the user agreement to “We own you.” While this amendment was expected to generate substantial backlash, thousands of users have already accepted this new agreement without argument. One gamer, IdSmashIsabella, spoke for many when he commented, “By the time I realized I should be angry, I was already beating off.”

We did attempt to secure an interview with Mr. Newell, but were unable to contact him. Apparently, he has been traveling across the country, purchasing both lotion factories and (oddly enough) multiple horse ranches. However, we did manage to obtain comment from his wife, Lisa Newell, who we discovered behind two locked doors in a nearly deserted LA apartment building, being spoon-fed yogurt by an oiled-up, well-hung beefcake.

“It’s about time,” Mrs. Newell remarked, recovering remarkably well for someone who had just had a microphone shoved in her face, “Sexuality in western cultures has always been repressed, while violence has been celebrated. By being exposed to the disgusting fetishes of people on our friends list, hopefully we will grow as human beings, and begin to accept sexuality as a natural part of our psychological makeup. Also, please leave.”

We here at Nerfwire have already received our review copy of Tentacle Man Invades a Japanese High School 2. Eight out of ten-tacles.