Shocking reports are surfacing in Canada about a string of assaults being committed throughout the region of New Brunswick. The assailant wears a mask and has been able to escape all pursuit until earlier this morning. Multiple victims have agreed to be interviewed.
“At first I was terrified,” says Monica Anderson from Saint John. “I was walking down the street and this guy burst out of the shadows with a rusty sword and this crazy skull mask made of sloppily welded metal plates. He looked like a demon, and I was too scared to run away.”
However, despite the attacker’s fearsome demeanor, none of his victims were harmed in any way, and they all refuse to press charges.
“It was actually a really peaceful experience,” says Jeff Iverson from Moncton. “Once I got past the whole ‘dressed like the literal incarnation of death’ thing, at least. When he had his arms around my neck and was choking me out, I remember feeling more relaxed than I had in years. He just whispered sweet nothings into my ear about it ‘not being personal’ and ‘just for the achievement.’ I woke up tucked into my bed with a glass of water on my nightstand, and when I got up I saw that he had deep-cleaned my entire apartment. Like, I know that’s creepy, but I honestly wish he would come back. He made me feel so safe, and he organized my DVDs.”
Police had been confounded in their efforts to apprehend the criminal, as he has demonstrated an incredible aptitude for free-running, short-range teleportation, and firing tranquilizers into officers who give chase. Those officers usually wake up strapped into their own cruisers with travel pillows around their necks and the windows cracked so that they don’t get overheated.
Upon finally being captured, the masked man admitted, “Yeah, I just wanted to do a re-run of it all, I killed everyone last time and the ending wasn’t really very satisfying, so…”
He was immediately arrested, but somehow escaped his cell using a maneuver local authorities call “quicksaving.”