Great news for all you counter-cultural legends today: EA has announced Sportsball 2021, a game custom-tailored for all you ironic assholes who think it’s hysterical to pretend you’ve never heard of football! Finally EA is tapping into the market of lonely, bitter people who are mad that other people have fun on Super Bowl Sunday.
“We just realized it was about time,” said EA chair of development Martin Wasser. “We needed a game for all the people out there who post on Facebook and Twitter, ‘Go sportsball! Dunk a touchdown!’ and then receive a series of likes from their equally smug and despicable friends. We found that this was an untapped market of socially inept nobodies who can’t have fun on their own and have to tear down the fun other people have. Also, there are a shitload of microtransactions.”
The game features such elements as having Tony Hawk “do a goal” or having fans cheer for “Team Nearby to beat Team Far Away!” The game will also feature a My Career mode, where the object is simply to type lengthy takedowns of professional sports while simultaneously praising esports as a very entertaining and totally different pastime. Players can customize their own avatar, but they must be far too out of shape to play a sport and are limited to no more than three friends, all from different states.
“I just don’t get why people would spend their time watching this brutality,” said troglodytic loser Jim Woodson. “I only like sports that take real skill, like chess or Dota 2. I’ll sometimes tell my friends over Discord that my roommate is watching hockey, again. We’ll all laugh when he comes in and tries to invite me to watch with all of his friends and cute girls he has over. What a moron. Sometimes I can hear them having fun from my bedroom. Anyways, this game is great. I can play as Ben Shapiro in it.”
EA went on to announce a racing game marketed exclusively towards guys whose asses are hanging out of their jeans and are way too obsessed with their hatchback cars.