Riot Delegates ARAM Balance To Unpaid Intern’s 9-Year-Old Cousin Jeremy

Fans of League of Legends’ ARAM mode often feel like they take a back seat to the main game. However, that’s about to change. In a recent press release, Riot announced that they have fully delegated ARAM balance to an unpaid intern’s nine-year-old cousin named Jeremy. The prepubescent ARAM fan and Paw Patrol enthusiast was tapped for the job after impressing at a “bring your family to work” day.

“We’re really excited about Jeremy,” says balance team lead Riot Phroxzon. “We finally decided we needed to do some ARAM balance, but no one could be bothered. I asked around, and everyone had a pretty good excuse. Anna said she had to wash her hair, so that could probably take a while. Finally, I realized we need someone to dump this on, and this kid was naive enough to agree to do it for $65,000 a year when we could have paid 70.”

The new hire is not without his own merits. Jeremy has twice won his youth soccer league and is on the honor roll at Smithwick Elementary. He also really likes dinosaurs, and knows that Santa isn’t real.

“I love the champions. Nunu is my favorite,” says 4th grader and Global Product Manager, League of Legends (ARAM), Jeremy Morton. “He runs so fast and is funny! I also like Caitlyn. She makes me feel weird though, like out of breath. She was in Arcane, which Phroxzon let me watch even though my mom said I wasn’t old enough. Do you want to see how fast I can run? You stay here and time me, I’m going to run to that tree and run back. Ready, go!”

Jeremy proceeds to show us how many cartwheels he can do (eight, honestly pretty good) before blanket nerfing any champion with an ARAM win rate exceeding 51%.