Today, Shang Tsung sent a murder of crows across the realms announcing that, after a thorough analysis of the rules, a dog can, in fact, participate in Mortal Kombat.
“I don’t see why you would, to be honest,” lamented tournament host Shang Tsung, noting that this came as a request from Lord Raiden to add a golden retriever named Buttons to the roster. “Buttons has no special abilities, cannot breathe fire, and is very easily distracted. If Lord Raiden truly wishes to enlist Buttons, then the Elder Gods have conceded already. I’m ready to face you in battle, Buttons! Your soul is mine! Whose soul is mine? That’s right! Your soul, Buttons! Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog?”
We asked other tournament entrants for their opinions on Buttons.
“Hey, I’ve killed plenty of animals in my time,” Kano told Nerfwire. “If I have to fight some Michael Vick puppy pound reject, I’m more than ready, mate. I’ve even killed dozens of cats playing lasers with them.”
“No no no no no,” said Meat, the obscure skinless kombatant. “I can’t fight anything sharper than toothpaste, there’s no way I can fight something that could literally eat me raw. At least Baraka can do more than speak, but he has a hard time with handshakes compared to Buttons.”
Kotal Kahn asked to go on record just to say, “He can’t be worse than Mokap.”
We reached out to Lord Raiden for his reasoning on the controversial pick. “Mortal, I understand your trepidation,” said the god of thunder. “Many years ago, Stryker brought me on a ride-along and I was able to witness the barely restrained glory and fury of a K9 unit. Such aggression is sure to help turn the tides in Earthrealm’s favor.”
Stryker claims that he tried to tell Raiden that the K9 operatives in question were highly trained German shepherds, but apparently, he had made up his mind.
At press time, however, Kung Lao is reported to have accidentally killed Buttons when the dog thought they were playing fetch with his hat.