Crusader Kings 3 Review: This Game Is About Fucking Your Dad

One of the greatest parts of the Crusader Kings franchise is the ability to roleplay and do ludicrous things that you would not normally do, such as marry a horse or castrate a prisoner. In Crusader Kings 3, Paradox has run with this idea, but in a direction that is exclusively about fucking your dad.

This was something you could do in CK2, but CK3 is literally only about fucking your own father We made it 45 hours into playing it, and every single campaign we played ended in paternal coitus. We would be trying to invade Anatolia as the King of Bulgaria, and as soon as we were about to win the war, we got an event where our father entered my tent. We were given four different choices, but the outcome of each was to fuck him. The choices were just positions.

The next game we played, we knew this was going to happen, so we plotted to have assassins kill our father. They did this, so we thought we were safe from the incestuous outcome of so many campaigns past. In this circumstance, however, players eventually get an event in which their father comes to them in their dreams, curses them for killing him, and then they give each other handjobs.

To demonstrate our point further, here are some of the achievements for the game:

No, I Am Your Father:  Sleep with your father

Forgive Me Father, I Have Sinned, With You: Do your dad in a church

Father and Son Bondage: [Redacted]

Those are three of at least sixty-seven that directly relate to copulating with your father. So many of my campaigns were ruined by events of me getting stuck in a washing machine and my step-father coming to help me out.

In short, this grand strategy game is disgusting, narrow-minded, and has little replay value.

10/10

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