Nvidia Releases Display Driver That Fixes Those Little Floaters In Your Eyeball

“Ever since the beginning, we here at Nvidia have been working our very hardest to provide you with the best graphical experience possible,” begins Jensen Huang as he starts his keynote. “But we’ve always asked ourselves—what if we could take it further? Not only improve the experience between your PC and your monitor, but between the monitor and your eyes?”

The leather-jacket clad Huang has the audience’s attention—and for good reason. Nvidia, the industry leader in making Assassin’s Creed games look like they’re worth sixty dollars, has been consistently pushing the increasingly competitive gaming component industry forwards year after year.

Huang takes a pause for a moment, taking in the apprehensive silence of the amphitheatre. “You ever get that thing where you’re trying to read a news article, but when you move your eyes around, those little eye floater worm things follow you and it’s really disorienting? Well, we’ve determined that to be the industry’s most pressing bottleneck as far as graphical fidelity. But not for much longer.” Huang takes off his leather jacket, revealing several RGB modifications to his body. “Introducing the Geforce Human Experience; a free service that will ship with eye-floater-scrubbing drivers on launch.”

Huang throws his jacket into the audience. “We’re not stopping there. Have you got bad eyesight? We’ll put G-Sync in your eyes. I replaced my liver with a 1080TI and my doctor says that it’s 400% more effective in removing toxins from my body. Now my blood is in 4K. My name is Jensen Huang, I’ve replaced my circulatory system with liquid cooling, God is dead, and this has been GTC 2018.”

When asked after the conference when ray tracing would be available on the newly shipped RTX cards, Huang referred to the new technology as “not quite there yet.” Shortly after making this comment, Jensen rose into the sky, no longer subject to the physics of this world thanks to Nvidia’s new PhysX engine.