“Hypothetically speaking, let’s say, for the sake of argument, if you look at the numbers, all the facts say that flossing is objectively superior to premarital intercourse,” explains conservative commentator Ben Shapiro on his show, the aptly-named Ben Shapiro Show. “Well then, that being the case, you would have to assume that premarital intercourse is inherently worse than flossing, right? Okay, now what if I told you that the numbers actually support this?”
In his classically calm, rational tone, free of logical fallacies, Shapiro attempts to make his strong Judeo-Christian values appeal to America’s youth. “Now, of course, I’m talking about flossing, the dance move, not flossing, the dental hygiene regimen, and this is just an indisputable fact. However, you may be interested to know that flossing, the dental hygiene regimen, is also strictly better than premarital intercourse. The latter flossing may even be better than the former flossing, but that is not the point I am here to make today.”
Shapiro is known for his hardline “facts don’t care about your feelings” mindset, and for sensationally titled videos in which he “debates” random college students and ostensibly wins. He is popular among disaffected, conservative young men, who consider him a maligned, rebellious intellectual, just like themselves.
“When you’re in the mood to participate in coitus,” Shapiro continues, hammering home his youth-friendly message, “studies show that flossing will not only be a powerful libido deterrent to everyone present, but it will also make you look really cool, and perhaps also even very strong. Not to mention the fact that you can do it from home, in Fortnite. Figures heavily suggest that there is a negative correlation between premarital affairs and overall life satisfaction, as clearly evidenced by this diagram.” The screen displays a graph whose axes are labeled “sex” and “happiness,” with a zig-zagged line moving downwards and gradually changing from green to red.
“Now, here, I know this is anecdotal evidence, and I can only speak for myself, but in my experience, females love men who protect their bodies, and by extension, protect the Western world, i.e. the greatest civilization in the history of mankind. Not having sex will definitely help you do that. In fact, experts report that you can nearly double your vitality by abstaining from post-marital intercourse as well. All of the facts, everywhere, show that the results of inducing a, uh—wet-ass P-word, as the kids say—can be disastrous for any woman’s physical health. And when I say all of the facts, I do mean all of them, and you can’t argue with that. Isn’t that right, my doctor wife?” Shapiro’s betrothed, presumably just off-screen, says nothing.