Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows about the hottest, coolest, newest, freshest game on the block: Pokemon Go. After the shining success of Pokemon Go Fest, the game took the world by storm forever, sweeping across the nation and establishing itself as a force to be reckoned with: never forgotten, never irrelevant. How lucky we are. Speaking of luck: I lost to all of those slot machines in the Pokemon casino and now the mafia owns my house.
That’s the one small complaint this journalist has about this otherwise flawless paragon of a pokexperience: namely, the fact that gangsters have evicted me from my home and forced me to whore myself out like a Ditto in a daycare to any digital rag willing to cut me a check. Maybe I’m nitpicking—but I refuse to budge on the issue. Gamers didn’t stand for lootboxes, except in Overwatch, and they won’t stand for this either, except in Overwatch.
The mobsters in question, who refuse to refer to themselves as Team Rocket no matter how many times I ask, have shifted their focus away from traditional activities like gambling rackets, drug pushing, and music piracy. This newer, sleeker mafia operates entirely within the bounds of the law, promoting CS:GO “roulette” sites and devising increasingly addictive microtransactions: activities that their leader, Healthy Weight Tony, describes as “Why youse talkin’ to me like dis? You wearin’ a fuckin’ wire?”
Another mobster, who greatly resembled a mustached and bespeckled Jeff Kaplan, explained to me that they were “super excited” to roll out all of their new features for Nostalgia Cash-In Pokemon Casino Cash, including scratch tickets, free drinks, a Rapidash track, and a Dedenne inside of a giant mechanical ball. And let me tell you, that last thing came completely out of left field.
“Be sure to download Nostalgia Cash-In Pokemon Casino Cash today: the first hit is free.” continued the awkward yet oddly endearing wiseguy. “And remember, no amount of Pokecoins can ever buy back that happy little kid playing Pokemon Red on their Game Boy. For that, you’ll need to install the Nostalgia Cash-In Premium Experience!”
I am homeless.
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