“Hey, what’s up everybody! It’s me, it’s ya boy,” says John Masterson, speaking into a wired phone from behind a glass pane. “Just wanted to give you guys a heads-up on what’s going on.”
Masterson, better known by his alias, Johnny Massacre, radiates an almost inhuman exuberance—a tone totally unique to him and no one else on YouTube. He’s being filmed by his girlfriend Penny, a frequently recurring personality in his videos. “You guys already know ol’ Johnny’s in some trouble with the law. I’m not gonna fiddle with the trigger here: I killed those people. First of all, to the families and friends of the victims, I know some of you are upset with what I did, and I’m really sorry you feel that way. Normally, the only people I kill are fucking nubs in Overwatch, you know what I’m saying?”
Reportedly, none of the six individuals Masterson gunned down, strangled, or savagely hacked apart were proficient in any of his favorite games.
“It was a moment of weakness,” claims Masterson, who evidence reveals spent weeks carefully planning and premeditating the utter destruction of each human life. “Everybody makes mistakes. Even handsome, affluent white guys with big personalities screw up once in a while, though very rarely.”
“I still disagree with the court’s decision, since I’m fundamentally a pretty great person. Killing isn’t who I am, it’s not what I do, except for the six instances when I did it, each time with less emotion than the last. It’s just not how I see myself. Anyway, make sure to smash that subscribe button.”
Two days after its release, Johnny’s apology video has already accrued over three million hits and made enough money for Masterson to afford a new legal team that once worked for OJ Simpson. He has since posted a new video, “Help Me Pick A Gang” which is currently #4 on Trending.
