“League of Legends has been on its last leg for years,” says Ken Walters, formerly an avid LoL player who has since abandoned the title for good. Despite his absence, League remains one of the most popular online games in the world. In fact, this year’s world championship was the most watched esports event in history, peaking at over 200 million concurrent viewers. “I stopped playing along with Dunkey back in 2015, and everyone pretty much followed me out. The game was basically already dead at that point.”
Since its humble origins in 2009, League of Legends has issued massive overhauls to the map, the rune system, the overarching lore, and a large number of older champions, most of whom have been Ryze. “Yeah,” Ken remarks, unprompted. “I remember when they ruined everything, over and over again, forever.”
When explaining the game’s inexplicable longevity, many players cite League’s art and narrative teams, which are sometimes hailed as the best in the industry. “They made that K-pop video which was pretty cool, I guess,” Ken continues for some reason. “But the game itself is still so annoying, and Mordekaiser still has pizza feet.”
“I’ll be the first to admit that Mordekaiser still has pizza feet,” says Riot Games co-founder Brandon Beck with a flash of perfect white teeth. “I’ll also admit that the underlying foundation of the game contains a lot of frustrating mechanics that are seemingly intentionally designed to piss people off. I get that. But we’re working on it. Luckily, we are now the unchallenged kings of K-pop, and four of our female characters are looking sexier than ever. So that should be enough to tide everyone over.”
Despite everything, Ken Walters still reportedly refuses to play or support League of Legends in any capacity, save for buying the odd skin every once in a while.
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