Yesterday morning, omnic forces launched a drone into the heart of New Seoul, detonating a nuclear device and leveling a significant portion of the once-thriving city. While the exact death toll remains uncertain, citizens across the world unanimously agree that all blame can squarely be placed upon the shoulders of Hana Song, a nineteen-year-old girl whose diet consists mainly of cheap soda and cheese-coated potato products. Outside the smoking crater that was once South Korea, she is better known by her callsign D.Va.
D.Va had been single-handedly overseeing the city’s defenses: despite nominally being on vacation, she correctly assumed that the city would be entirely helpless without her. However, when the threat of five robots proved too much to handle, she refused to accept any form of aid, reportedly referring to her teammate Dae-hyun as a “n00bl0rd,” and telling him to “switch off DPS or I feed.”
“The citizens of South Korea are thoroughly disappointed in our sole protector, D.Va, to whom we once entrusted our lives,” read a statement issued by President “Faker” Sang-hyeok, “Sure, relying on the abilities of a single nineteen year old girl instead of a trained military or automated defense drones seems silly now, but, c’mon. Have you seen her KDA?”
Thankfully, Faker himself remains unharmed, having moved the presidential Blue House two hundred miles away after Congress passed the historic “One Teenager and a Robot” defense budget: a result of pressure from the powerful Mountain Dew and Doritos lobby. When asked to comment on this decision, the president raised a single eyebrow and just stared at us.
In her official press conference, D.Va stated that while she felt unbearable shame and grief for allowing such unprecedented death and suffering, nothing compared to the despair of losing her sponsorship with Mountain Dew.
Editor’s note: Experts have informed us that Doritos are in fact a corn-based product, and not derived from potatoes. We ask you to forgive this lapse in Nerfwire’s century-old journalistic integrity and we vow to be more scrupulous in the future.
