An Indiana court made a landmark decision this week, declaring a 2007 Runescape marriage legally binding despite both of the betrothed living in different parts of the country, and being currently married to other people.
“I have no idea how this happened,” said Idaho woman Angela “PartyGrill43” Waters. “I’ve been married to my husband for four years now. I haven’t played Runescape since middle school. I just got the court summons.”
“The guy we got to marry us wasn’t even an ordained minister. He was just level 73 in Prayer,” said Indiana resident Luke “xXShadowReaperXx” Garcia, who only just married his own husband this past April. “We were just trying to figure out how to file a joint tax return, and now they’re telling me I’ve been legally married to a woman for over a decade?”
“Look, I don’t make the rules,” said Judge Cara O’Donnell. “Luke bought a diamond ring from the Grand Exchange for 8k gold. Their marriage certificate is still on file in the Church of Saradomin in Falador. If that’s not a marriage, take me to the Wilderness and PK me.”
The bad news for Garcia doesn’t stop here: he’s also reportedly on the hook for paying income tax on tens of thousands of yew logs sold over his 4-year stint with the MMO. If the charges stick, Mr. Garcia may have to liquidate all of his assets, which consist of a single paper party hat, to cover the costs.