If There Is A God, I Will Draw Fireball

I swear to our dear sweet Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, if I don’t draw Fireball this, uh, goshdang second, I’m officially renouncing my belief in any higher power whatsoever. You wouldn’t want that, would you, Lord?

Dear Holiest of Holies: I’ve been playing like an absolute prophet this entire game, making all the right calls and receiving nothing but persecution and bad RNG in return. Meanwhile, my enemy sits atop a deck of sin and worldly pleasures, yet gets every perfect draw without fail. I can’t even get a Mana Wyrm, but he had both Oaken Summons and a Spreading Plague in the first ten cards? A just God would never allow this to happen.

Sweet, merciful Jehovah! I’m one turn away from dying, but his health is low enough that if I draw Fireball right now, I can still kill him. I’ve been playing on my back foot since turn two; how am I supposed to vanquish my demons when they topdeck Innervate to pop my Counterspell? I didn’t even know druids still played that card! It’s bull… stuff, and it’s a moral anomaly in any universe supposedly governed by a force that is both omnipotent and benevolent.

Oh, God fu—freaking darn it; he’s emoting. He mocks Your name, Lord! Deliver me from the valley of the shadow of this druid! Well, here we go. Moment of truth. As soon as his turn ends, I’ll draw the card that will decide the fate of my soul. No, the fate of the entire universe. If there truly is a higher power, I know He would want me to keep believing in Him! Lord Almighty in heaven, the Alpha and the Omega, if You’re truly out there, show favor to Your good and faithful—

Holy shit, holy fucking shit, yes! I got it, I actually fucking got it! Fuck you God, you worthless son of a bitch! Send my ass straight to hell, I dare you! I’ll take that bitchass shit-eating druid with me! Fuck yeah, it was all me, baby! All me! A hundred percent skill!