Incredibly Lonely, Sheltered Man Not Even Good At Video Games

“If I’m being honest, I thought he would just get better at this just based on the sheer amount of time he spends down there,” explains Robert “Robby” Davis’ mother Suzanne Davis. “I don’t even feel like I should charge him rent for the basement, because it’s the equivalent of having, like, a benevolent ghost that sucks at Super Smash Bros down there.”

Malcolm Gladwell says it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something—but he clearly never met Davis, the subject of Nerfwire’s most recent invasive and entirely involuntary deep dive into members of the gaming community.

“First of all, silver rank is a lot higher than a lot of my friends that I play with, so if it’s all relative, I’m pretty solid there,” bemoans a frustrated Davis, wearing plaid pajamas and a T-shirt he got in a high school musical for a minor part in the ensemble. Somewhere in the background, a Bowling for Soup greatest hits album is playing, which certainly isn’t a knock against Bowling for Soup, but we think they’d understand that it’s not the kind of detail we’d leave out.

A quick scroll through his steam library tells us something that we already knew about Davis —there’s no way in hell he’ll ever be able to finish a Dark Souls game, despite owning all three of the major titles, including DLC. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive is installed, but has zero hours played.

As Punk Rock 101 begins to play in the background, which, again, is not included as an indictment to Bowling for Soup, who are actually still active and put out a half-decent cover of Already Gone as of the Friday before this writing, not that it’s weird we would know that because they’re still a good band, and besides they have 2.5 million monthly listeners on Spotify so it can’t just be us, Davis once again asks us to leave his basement apartment. “I’ve got raid in fifteen minutes, and they’re going to kill me if I miss it again,” he tells us.

Upon re-entering the Davis family kitchen, we inform Suzanne that we were asked to leave as her son was raiding with his guild in World of Warcraft. When we explain to her what a guild is, she tears up. “It sounds like friends,” she tells us.

Nerfwire made sure to stay behind to explain that this was not the case.

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