Uh Oh: This Guy Thinks 5e Psionics Will Be Good

If you’re a diehard, hardcore, realhard gamer, then you’ve already heard of Matt Mercer’s smash-hit satan-worshipping phenomenon Dungeons of Dragons, most likely through the equally smashing and equally demonic Strangest Thing, or at the very least Critically Rolls. And if you haven’t, get with the times: “D&D,” as it is referred to by real nerd fans such as myself, is bigger and more accessible than ever before. One more thing to separate the true fans from the posers before the next Rick and Marty season, am I right my Rick-Bros? Wabba-leebba-dab-dub!

But check it—while I was rolling my cool nerd dice with my cool nerd friends, I found out that Chad (our tiefling barbarian) had a younger brother named Steve who was actually excited for the upcoming 5e psionic class! Uh-oh, fam: looks like we have a Jerry in the family! What a fucking idiot!

Now, I haven’t technically “used” psionics myself, since I haven’t played second edition… or first edition, third edition, third and a half edition, fourth edition, math edition, or GURPS. But if you’re a “noob,” psionics are basically the worst thing ever. It’s something Matt Mercer, hallowed be his name, would never allow at his table, I’m assuming.

Anyways, Steve, who’s such a loser he probably likes sports, mentioned in a Facebook (!!!) post that he was “really excited about the direction Wizards is going in with the Mystic… while there are obvious balance problems with the playtest, I’m confident that the designers will make a class that’s fun, interesting, and unique.”

What the fuck? Doesn’t he know life is pointless and nothing matters? I think Steve here rolled a natural one on his Don’t Be a Dumbass check.

Look, people who post on forums and agree with me are never wrong: psionics are a bad idea and cannot be balanced. The 3.5e psion was the most broken class in the game (except the cleric, druid, wizard and fighter) and the 4e psion was a class in fourth edition, which we all agree was the worst edition, because it had too many feats or something. But worse than that, psionics are a tonal break to the ironclad high-fantasy realm of D&D! (Also, remind me to tell you about this idea I had for a steampunk gnome who uses guns!) What sort of jerk even came up with this idea?

…Who the hell is Gary?