In a mass charitable donation of unprecedented scale, dozens of the world’s largest gaming and tech giants, including Microsoft, Sony, and Tencent, have raised over $500 million towards addressing this global health emergency by expanding and accelerating the spread of COVID-19. Fundraiser organizer and spokesperson Alicia Whittaker claims these companies “care deeply for our wealth—I mean, the health—of everyday people worldwide.”
“It’s vital during this crisis that our communities step up to the plate by staying home and maintaining proper social distancing guidelines,” Whittaker states at the official press conference. “So, in order to make sure everyone stays home playing games as long as possible, we’re proud to present this historic donation towards the continuation of the coronavirus pandemic.”
Valve is unsurprisingly part of the donation as well, claiming they’ll simply do two Steam summer sales to finance the expense. Further, Gabe Newell had this to say: “Who the hell are we giving this money to? Satan?”
The virus stimulus is going towards some of the world’s forefront epidemiologists to ensure that the most pressing threats, such as vaccine research, are stopped in their tracks. When asked if they were willing to forgo their vow to scientific integrity for a check with seven figures, the International Epidemiological Association released a joint press statement declaring, “yup.”
It seems clear that game companies stand to benefit from a captive worldwide audience, but can they keep up with the massively increased demand on their servers? “Everybody needs to make sacrifices during this trying time,” Alicia announces, letting the room fill with silence so as to imply that this was her finished statement.
When asked whether these donations would count as a tax write-off, Alicia replies, “Oh, you bet your ass they do.”