Master Chief Quietly Defecates Into Suit’s Waste System During Cutscene

Today, during a gravely important meeting between the Arbiter and UNSC forces, the sound of Master Chief quietly grunting and defecating into his waste system went completely unnoticed. The meeting, at which the Arbiter outlined the need for a final alliance against the Covenant in order to save humanity and Earth, had the unseen accompaniment of the hero of humanity shitting while standing up.

“This is our last chance,” said a digitally projected Cortana. “If we can hit the Prophet of Truth in his capital ship, it might just give us a chance to overload the fuel cells and destroy it once and for all.” Beads of sweat formed on the face of the stoic super soldier Master Chief, not out of fear, but out of exasperation from trying to push out a particularly deep loaf.

When asked about his tactical assessment of the plan, the laconic Master Chief responded, “We need to take them down, no matter what it… hold on. Ugh. Fuck. Give me a second. Oof. Okay. No matter what it takes, we can’t let the Covenant win.”

The MJOLNIR Mark V armor, which Chief wears, has a state of the art waste system that takes Chief’s waste fresh from his body and burns it within one of the many small power generators in his suit. This allows him to run his flashlight and Cortana. This is now canon; please write 343 Industries about it.

At press time, Master Chief was quietly pissing himself during a Banshee ride.

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