Devil May Cry, But We’re Here For Him

“Maybe somewhere out there even a devil may cry when he loses a loved one. Don’t you think?” Yes, Lady, we do think so. Depression rates among the denizens of the Underworld skyrocketed almost twofold last year. Sadly, since most of the people suffering are members of vulnerable minorities such as Behemoths, this epidemic has gone largely ignored by mainstream society. But while most people seem content just to perform a sad ritual on the world’s smallest pentagram, we’re supporting the demon community with much more than just thoughts and prayers. Because prayers would burn them.

Since the rise of Dante and the Devil May Cry organization, many demons are finding it difficult just to get up in the morning and commit their basic daily atrocities. A record number of hellspawn have professed to having experienced suicidal ideation—how many of these brave fallen would be gone already if it weren’t for their emotional support Cerberus?

“It used to be that I had the energy to perform all sorts of heinous acts of torment upon the mortal realm,” says Arthur Green, a possessed marionette. “Now it’s a struggle just to flay a few sinners here and there.” His words echo that of countless other creatures from the abyss, reflecting the unthinkable emotional toll, not just the physical one, taken by Dante and his band of demon slayers.

Unfortunately, the mental health infrastructure of hell is in dire need of a reboot. “My doctor tried to prescribe me some antidepressants but my insurance doesn’t cover it,” states Karen Jeffords, a catlike shadow demon. “I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem like there’s much hope out there these days. For Mundus’ sake, the demon slayers killed Sanctus Diabolica. What chance does a lesser demon like me have?”

All the devils of the Underworld deserve to know that it’s okay to cry in these times of peril, and Nerfwire is there for them, as long as they stop flaying our producer Jill.

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