How To Automate Your Home Because Apparently Switches Are Too Hard You Lazy Fuck

Granddad’s days of manually flipping switches are long behind us, or at least, long behind sedentary fucks like you. We’re living in a golden age of gadgets and gizmos designed specifically to prevent even the faintest shadow of physical activity. With these tips, you won’t ever have to lift a finger again, you inactive, good-for-nothing sloth person.

Voice-activated devices

It must be exhausting to constantly use those precious digits to flip light switches and type on crust-covered keyboards, wasting precious time that could be spent grasping cheese puffs from a comically large plastic jar. Luckily, there are voice-activated peripherals that allow these actions to be executed by your guttural rasping. Merely dictate your demands and they will be reciprocated by Alexa, Siri, or Greg, your very annoyed nextdoor neighbor.

Smart appliances

Most appliances sold today have Wi-Fi and Bluetooth capability to sync your phone to the device. For example, LG makes a line of refrigerators that will inform you of its contents at any time. This function may be useless for you, however, as you constantly order pizza delivery and never keep your fridge stocked. Of course you could get groceries delivered, but that would still require preparation, and it’s imperative you finish constructing your pizza box golem. It is the only friend you have.

Transcend your consciousness into the network

No matter what time-saving devices are embedded into your abode, they will always take more effort than you are willing to exude. So what better way to sync the house to your needs than to integrate your very being into it? Once your mind has been uploaded to the network, every aspect of the apartment can be bent to your will. You can summon light in any room as though you were a deity of incandescence. With the lack of any physical form and the entirety of the internet at your disposal, you can go beyond what any autonomous house can be. You are the house that caters to every need that will ever be sated. You are the next stage of human evolution.

Unfortunately no such technology exists yet, so here is our recommendation for the next best thing:

Have your mother move back in with you

Just have your mom do everything for you; surely she’s used to it by now. And we all know she has to move in with you; there is no possible way for you to leave your home without the local fire department borrowing a stretcher used for injured rhinos from the local zoo.

[Editor’s note: Nerfwire has just been informed of the existence of people with physical disabilities.]

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