It’s a somber day today. We at Nerfwire would like to express our condolences to the family of former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, who recently received a gentle pat on the back, which killed him instantly and all of his stuff went flying all over the place like when you die in Minecraft.
Giuliani was 78 years old at the time of the vicious assault, which was definitely a serious attack and not just a completely normal social interaction. Security footage clearly shows ShopRite employee Daniel Gill patting Giuliani on the back, at which point Giuliani turned bright red, exclaimed “oof”, fell on his side, and disappeared in a puff of smoke. At the time of Giuliani’s death, witnesses confirm that everything he was carrying materialized and scattered across the floor, like in Minecraft.
Some commentators have claimed that the “assault” was clearly nothing more than a gentle pat and that Guliani’s response (death) was a huge overreaction. However, the facts beg to differ. Any goomba or level one slime can tell you that sometimes a single hit is all it takes to kill you. Furthermore, Gill should have taken into account that Giuliani may have already been at half a heart due to poison damage or hunger. Is it possible that Gill hit Giuliani on the glowing red weak point on his back, which all Italian people have? How do we know that Gill is not a Saitama-esque superhuman, capable of causing lethal damage with a single strike?
The former mayor of New York dropped the following loot:
- One three-piece suit (ill-fitting)
- One license to practice law (suspended)
- Two full stacks of greaseballs
- One big old New York pizza, baby! Love the Mets!
- One autographed photo of Ronald Reagan, signed “Give ’em hell, tiger”
- One autographed photo of Donald Trump, signed “Thank you for doing crimes for me”
- One copy of the December 31, 2001 issue of Time magazine wherein he was named Person of the Year
- One “Jack-in-the-Box” costume, from his appearance on season 7 of The Masked Singer
- One 2008 “Giuliani for President” pin
- One 2024 “Jack-in-the-Box for President” pin
- Divorce papers from his second and third wives
- Annulment papers from his first wife, who was his second cousin (this is true)
- One document containing incontrovertible proof that the 2020 election was rigged and that Trump actually is the rightful president (written in crayon)
We stand with Giuliani. In fact, we definitely don’t think that he’s a huge pussy and that Gill getting arrested for this is completely ridiculous. We will remember Giuliani for his bravery, strong moral backbone, and weak actual backbone.
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