Report: Fleeting Moments Where You Correct Your Posture Won’t Fix Back

In a study published yesterday, scientists at Nerfwire Laboratories claim that the brief, two-minute moments a few times a day where you straighten your back and hold your shoulders like a normal human are not enough to save you from crippling, shrimp-like back problems by the time that you reach your late thirties.

In the study, Nerfwire Labs found that other strategies, such as adjusting your chair to force a good posture or going outside once in a fucking while would be much better for your spine’s health in the future. “You have your own office and a really nice chair,” the study notes. “You don’t need to hunch over your keyboard like you’re sitting inside of a box.”

The dangers of extended bad posture are not to be taken lightly. Bad posture, especially for those who spend most of their day at their desk, reading cartoons or whatever you’re doing in there, can lead to serious chronic back pain in your later years.

In its conclusion, the study found that you will always be hunchbacked and pain-ridden, even referring to you as the “first recorded example of de-evolution.” It argues that you may as well just slump even harder to see how far this rabbit hole goes instead of trying to prevent the inevitable.

The study also notes that the small change that you made to your posture when beginning this article was also not enough, and would like to point out that you’ve already regressed back into a slightly melted version of a human person.

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