With the recent additions of previously unthinkable characters like Banjo, Kazooie, and Sans to Smash Ultimate, hopes were high going into the latest Nintendo Direct. It truly seemed like anyone was a possible candidate—characters like Geno, Doom Guy, and Goku were all highly anticipated. However, what we got was something no one expected: Marth, again.
“Melee had both Red Marth and Blue Marth,” commented lead designer and outspoken Marth main Masahiro Sakurai. “Brawl introduced Strong Marth, while the one we don’t talk about added Girl Marth. We think that this latest iteration of Marth, School Marth, is the Marthest take on Marth yet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and Marthsturbate. I mean, play Fire Emblem.”
So far, fan response to the reveal of School Marth has been split—some are ambivalent, while others are consumed by a terrible rage, matched only by their boundless grief. One of these fans, EatMeKirby, has even gone so far as to call for a boycott of the new DLC. “We want Waluigi and we won’t take no for an answer!” the renowned iFunny moderator tweeted yesterday under the hashtag #WaluigiForSmash. “Haha guys, it would be so funny if they added Waluigi. I’m laughing right now just thinking about it. Like, Waluigi, right? Do you know de way? Le epic.”
“Memes aside, all that really matters is School Marth’s impact on the competitive scene,” tweeted staunch PC gamer and Project M enthusiast MewTwoMango. “Frankly, the three seconds of gameplay that we’ve seen so far have me very concerned. A preemptive ban in all tournaments seems warranted.”
“Okay, I get the disappointment, but we need to remember that Nintendo isn’t stupid,” claimed Reddit user PigHouse2 in the one positive comment we were able to find. “Fire Emblem characters clearly make money, or they wouldn’t add so many of them. Besides, maybe School Marth is actually fun? They were fun in Three Houses, and they get to use a bunch of different weapons! I’m going to give them a try before I draw any conclusions. Crossing my fingers for Cooking Mama next time!”
Unfortunately for hopeful fans, a surprise leak obtained from Sakurai’s garbage has revealed that the next three DLC characters will be Seliph, Caeda, and Catria, all of which are blue-haired anime characters from Fire Emblem. Thankfully, only one of them has a sword. Which one? It doesn’t fucking matter. You’ll buy them all.