Let me take you back. It’s early July in 2016 and you’re walking along the road with a group of friends, laughing and enjoying each other’s company all while trying to bag a new Pokémon to add to your collection. The summer heat is at its finest, and you’ve got a long night in front of you to share with the good company of your gaming peers, peers who are there to play with you in person and not over the simulated social experience of a Discord chat. Fond memories, right? Well, wake up, gamers. It’s time that we faced the awful truth: Pokémon Go made us exercise, and we just let them get away with it. It’s time to make them pay.
It’s been just over two years, and Niantic needs to answer for every calorie spent, every ounce of fat burned, and every moment spent away from our battle stations. The nation’s doctors rejoiced at the release of Pokémon Go: we were getting our exercise and our Vitamin C, after all—but what they didn’t see was the steady decline of APMs, PornHub usage, and League of Legends ranks. The effects of this drop are still being felt today—which explains why I’m still in Silver IV—and John Hanke, the first person who comes up when you Google “Niantic CEO,” is going to pay the ultimate price.
This is a call to arms. As I write this, I have begun the painstaking process of sharpening my monitor stand into a sword. I’ve got graphics cards strapped to my shoulders and mechanical keyboards beneath my feet, so they can hear me coming. By the full moon of this month, my gaming comrades and I will be ready to march on the Niantic headquarters in San Francisco to prove to them once and for all…
Wait, fuck, this all involves exercise.