“Okay, alright, that was fun,” Hideo Kojima says as the live video press release begins. “Many of you think that the Death Stranding that you played, and somehow Gamespot gave a 90 on Metacritic, failed to deliver on its promise of being one of the most important games of the decade. And that’s because we were waiting for the new decade. That’s right: the real Death Stranding will be released on May 1st.”
Kojima takes a pause as the Twitch chat explodes. “I’d like to thank Norman Reedus and Conan O’Brien for coming along on this ride, and I’d also like to thank ScreenRant for giving our barely-a-tech-demo a 100 on Metacritic.”
A gameplay trailer begins, explaining the whole baby thing from the original trailer pretty much right away, introducing fast travel options, additional hours of fully voice-acted content, and interesting core gameplay mechanics that feel more like a video game and less like trying to get all the groceries from the car in one trip.
“That’s right,” Kojima explains, “The original Death Stranding walked so that this game could run, and also do other things besides walking. With this real game, we wanted to deliver a unique ‘strand-type’ experience that feels fair, dynamic, and interactive. You know, like a video game. Oh, and that dude with the skull mask? He’s gone. Yeah, totally removed.” The new, actual Death Stranding promises to feature a totally revamped narrative that feels like an actual story instead of a never-ending exposition dump.
“Anyway, this was a social experiment and I don’t want to hear a single fucking one of you asking for your money back,” Kojima finishes.