“When I think about what I’m most unhappy about, there’s really two things: The first one is we didn’t live up to the high standards that we really set for ourselves,” announced real actual Blizzard president J. Allen Brack, in a real, actual speech. “The second is we failed in our purpose. And for that, I am sorry and I accept accountability.”
This statement, of course, was made in response to the five days of mass protests and righteous boycotts sparked by the announcement of the Overwatch sequel Overwatch 2, which gamers immediately denounced as a blatant cash grab. Thankfully, their struggle was not in vain. Just yesterday, lead Overwatch developer Jeff “Dinoflask” Kaplan tweeted out that the Blizzard team has switched their focus onto an exciting new IP—Overwatch 3.
Everyone who complained online and felt kind of guilty whenever you booted up Battle.net over the past few days, give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve certainly earned it.
Kaplan went on to explain that the new Overwatch 3 will feature an entirely new story mode, new maps, new characters, and total account compatibility with the original Overwatch—not only will skins and other cosmetics carry over, but players of both games will even be able to face off in PvP matches. While these exciting features were planned for the now-canceled Overwatch 2, Kaplan goes on to promise that buyers of Overwatch 3 will “exist forever in a divine paradise of ever-escalating iridescent fulfillment, beyond comprehension.”
“This fucking sucks,” complained renowned gamer and guy who wouldn’t switch off Hanzo in my last ranked game AnalBlisterSister. “I have to pay sixty dollars just to become as unto a God? Why can’t they just patch it in?? Hard pass. Blizzard really dropped the ball on this one.”
While a formal release date for Overwatch 3 has not been announced, it has been confirmed to include at least one new hero, a transgender human rights activist from Hong Kong named Kwok-hung. Screenshots show her leading a pride parade throughout the map, pushing payloads and capturing points through the power of democracy. Chinese screenshots show her accumulating social credit and praising Chairman Mao.