Man Who Hasn’t Showered In Eight Days Painstakingly Crafts Perfect MMO Avatar

“Eureka!” exclaims local gamer Adam White as he puts the finishing touches on his avatar. The finished product, a slightly more rugged, handsome version of Adam himself, clad in medieval armor, sits idle on the screen. “Finally, it’s complete!”

Adam is unkempt and ungroomed, with the aroma of a man who’s about to attend PAX East. Dark circles hang from his eyes and acne is creeping in. The wet stains under his arms become more obvious as he flicks a stray fly from his shoulder. “Ha, damn bastards,” he says. “I think they’re after my Buffalo Wild Wings from this morning. Wait, was it this morning? Whatever. Here, want some?” We respectfully decline as Adam takes a bite out of a half-finished garlic parmesan wing.

“Yeah, I guess you could say this character is a part of me. The cool, brave, sexy part that modern society won’t let me fully embrace, ” White explains, providing us with a tour of his new character. The digital human male is a dashing, rogueish warrior with perfectly chiseled, muscular features from head to toe. Although he bears a striking resemblance to Adam himself, there are a few key differences—mostly, the character’s redeeming physical qualities. “I went through every single slider and color selector and set them to my exact specifications. I’ve been doing this for about eight days, or at least, that’s what my wife told me. I wasn’t keeping track. Anyway, I’m pretty happy with the results.”

“His entire backstory is written on this model,” White continues. “Just by looking at his face, you can see that he’s stern, but caring. Reserved, but ready to fight. He has a good heart, but because of what he’s been through, it can be difficult to trust, or to commit to things like a second child or fixing the leaky faucet. And check this out,” he zooms in on the character’s hand, “he even has this little scar from when he got overzealous with a stapler in the tenth grade. That’s vital to the man he is today.”

As we depart, we wish Adam a good time playing his character. “Playing?” he asks.

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