Man Stops After One Ranked Win, To Be Safe

“That’ll be all, thank you,” says Ivan Cunningham as if requesting the check at a restaurant. However, he’s actually just completed his first ranked game and then quit the system forever. Ivan won his game and promptly returned to unranked play with a perfect 100% win rate in his pocket. “Yes, that’s quite enough for me.”

Ivan ventured into ranked mode unsure of what to expect. “I figured I’d grown somewhat decent at the game. Why not?” He was matched with a team that he found surprisingly pleasant, knowledgeable, and skilled. With some effort, they handily secured victory against their opponents, but Ivan knew that it was too good to be true.

“It was a decent experience. Too decent,” Ivan claims, squinting. “No one insulted my mother or told me to get an STD. No one even blamed me when they got themselves killed. Hell, it was so good, I knew it could only go downhill from there. I’ve got my one win, might as well quit while I’m ahead. I may never be platinum, but Lord knows I’ll never be bronze.”

“He appeared out of nowhere, and then just as quickly, he was gone,” reports game developer Louis Dreier. “Like dust in the wind. It was incredible. I thought our ranked system was inescapable. The cyclical skinner box of frustration and bullshit punctuated by brief, fleeting highs sees to that. But God, look at him. There he goes. Free.”

Moments later, several Riot employees captured Cunningham, injecting him with a sedative, and bringing him back to have a Red Bull and stop being happy.

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