A new development in the War on Terror has arrived as the CIA has begun recruiting GeoGuessr players to find terrorists based on their Instagram posts. These players are being flown out to Langley where they will be awarded money, a luxury suite for the duration of their contract, and sole responsibility for swift drone strikes based on their guesses.
“Holy shit, those people are dead because of me,” said proud GeoGuessr player Alice Davenport. “They took me into a room and told me to GeoGuess, so I did. It was a man in a robe with his girlfriend, but I recognized that behind them was a picture of a man with a mustache. I knew that style was only popular in Mosul, so I was able to narrow it down. The agent who was with me said ‘good job’ and next thing I know, there was a missile heading for the place I marked. I didn’t sign up for this Ender’s Game bullshit.”
Similar small details like the font of road signs, the color of buildings, and the license plates of cars have allowed the GeoGuessr players to identify, and subsequently extrajudicially kill, many terrorists.
“At the very least, we’ll clear these bastards off my Instagram feed,” proclaimed CIA handler Agent X, the man in charge of the program. “If you post on Instagram as a known terrorist, you’re basically asking to have a Predator drone drop a missile on your approximate location. Why don’t we tell the players, you ask? At the end of the day, GeoGuessr players are very sensitive, so we had to lie to them and tell them this was some sort of tournament focusing exclusively on pictures of bearded men in the Middle East. Shockingly, none of them caught on until we Obama’d the shit out their chosen location. I guess they devote all of their brain power to maps and not situational awareness.”
At press time, dozens of GeoGuessr players were seen exiting Langley vowing to never GeoGuess again before being forced promptly into a fleet of unmarked black vans.
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