It happened to me.
My name is George Watkins, and I am an avid member of the cosplay community. Not a participant, mind you, but a benefactor. I support countless women (or as I like to call them, George’s angels) on Patreon, and also one other site, the name of which isn’t important. With all the polls I’ve voted on and the comments I’ve left, it’s no exaggeration to say my contributions have shaped the world of cosplay. It’s a burden being so generous, so wealthy, but never more so than today. Today, my life changed in a way I never could’ve imagined.
One of my cosplay angels dressed up as a Goomba and awakened something that was previously lying dormant within me. A craving. A… passion.
I pride myself on my exquisite taste. George’s angels are the cream of the cosplaying crop, creating form-fitting costumes of only the most trendy female characters, whether it be Bowsette, Tifa Lockhart, or anyone from League of Legends. Yes, even Ezreal.
But a Goomba? Why a Goomba? Why a creature so conspicuously lacking in sexuality, in raw, steamy eroticism? A Koopa, perhaps, Birdo, certainly, but the humble Goomba? My higher functions were fully prepared to roll my eyes and dismiss the cosplay as some sort of misguided joke, but something primal, slumbering deep within me, began to stir.
Now, I understand. I see the Goomba for what it truly is: not just a vehicle for eroticism, but a symbol, a glorious symbol of how the human mind can conceptualize anything, anything, as an object of desire. The bald, brown head, glinting in the light of a setting sun: those luscious lips, teeth placed delicately on either side, their sharpness spicing the activities with danger. Large, lashed eyes, glaring out with smoldering intensity, daring the viewer to act, to seize what they desire. What a tease! And the best is saved for last: the feet of a Goomba, fungal and sweet, with five chubby tan toes adorning each perfectly sculpted foot, sweaty and ready to engage, ready to… partake. In pleasures long lost from the dystopian, feminist hellscape of the Mushroom Kingdom. Also, if you squint at it in just the right way, it looks sort of like a boob.
Look at me and turn away, fellow gamers. Guard your hearts closely, for this is what you may become if you allow yourself to be seduced by the foul temptress known as “Goomba.” A fallen angel… George’s angel.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some commissions to request.