“Get that soyboy shit out of my face,” says self-identified chad gamer Allen Brock after a friend invites him to play the early access release of Phasmophobia. Allen is notorious among his social circle for never playing games in the beta stage, and for never going down on his girlfriends.
“I used to think I was an alpha male,” Allen claims, “but now I realize I’m a step above that. I’m a sigma male, the rarest male type. I just heard about it, and now I’m going to talk about it in my weekly podcast. So I don’t even play alpha releases anymore, because they’re for lesser men. Men who drink hot tea and vote for globalist scum. Call me back when Phasmophobia is in sigma stage, pussy.”
Concerned friends and family have tried their best to inform Brock that “beta” in the gaming context refers to playable but unfinished products and has no bearing on the game’s masculinity, or even overall quality. They’ve also attempted to show him evidence that “alpha” behavior in animals is a widely debunked myth, but many loved ones report that he responds by simply mocking them for being “triggered.” One friend is even starting to worry that, in Allen’s lexicon, “globalists” just means “anyone I don’t like,” or perhaps “Jews.”
“I just wanted to play a game with the guy,” reports Allen’s friend of five years Stephen Rose. “He keeps insisting we hang out in person even though he knows I’m not comfortable with that due to the pandemic, which he calls ‘soyvid.’ He’s missing out, too. There are some great games in beta right now. My wife thinks I should cut the guy loose, but it’s hard when you used to be so close, you know? Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to send him another Politifact article about China.”
At press time, Allen was seen picking out a suitable lion roar sound effect for his podcast.