Touch Grass? I Live In A Desolate Wasteland Where No Plants Grow And The Sun Has Set For A Thousand Years

People on Twitter keep telling me to “touch grass.” I’ve been the victim of more than one ratio in this regard: countless users dogpiling me, telling me to log off and go outside. I guess you kids these days find it funny, but here’s the truth: statements like this are incredibly insensitive to people like me, and I’m not afraid to say it anymore. That’s because I live in a desolate wasteland where no plants grow and the sun has set for a thousand years. Not so funny now, is it?

My ramshackle home is shrouded in eternal darkness and I have been alone for as long as I can remember. Whenever I dare to venture beyond the boundaries of my humble wooden shelter, I find nothing but emptiness and cracked dirt stretching out to the horizon. It has never rained; the wind does not blow. I don’t know what I did to deserve this purgatory, but my only source of solace is the Nokia Lumia 930 in my pocket. I have no electricity or wifi in my house, but somehow the battery never runs out and I have full internet access. Aside from the occasional full moon, this device is my only source of light. The camera isn’t great, but it’s affordable, so.

I do not eat or drink. My body is weak, and though my hunger is immense, I do not die. However, this is no excuse to call me an “incel” or a “manlet” whenever I post a selfie. When I bring up the perpetual thirst upon my lips, people pretend to call the “horny police” and post a gif of one Shiba Inu hitting another on the head with a stick. Obviously, this is incredibly offensive.

People also think it’s funny to tell me I have “no bitches,” but as I said, there is not one single other soul trapped in this hell with me. In the infinite, barren wastes, I occasionally stumble upon the footprints of a creature I do not recognize. Sometimes I think I see something moving in my peripheral vision, but when I turn my head, nothing is there. My point is that some of us aren’t capable of getting bitches, so you should think twice before hitting “send” on something that could be hurtful.

When I try to ask for help or notify anyone about my whereabouts, my writings are replaced with slurs, fascist dog whistles, and shockingly hateful diatribes against various marginalized groups. As a matter of fact, I actually care deeply about systemic justice for all victims of oppression. Thus, I implore you to be more sensitive when using social media. You never know if the next supposed “Nazi” you try to bully is simply a pathetic wretch condemned to an eternity of misery and destitution.

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