Starving African Child Pissed About League’s ADC Changes

It’s safe to say that this has been a tumultuous month for League of Legends: the 8.11 patch radically altered the landscape of the game, the Aatrox rework has been widely regarded as a disappointment, and North America was, for the first time, met with resounding defeat at a prominent international event. However, it seems like the person most angry and upset with these changes doesn’t even play the game at all—and his name is Martin Mduwimana.

“It’s bullshit. Absolute fucking bullshit,” fumes Martin, a six-year old, rail-thin African child who was born HIV-positive. “I cannot believe Riot would be so fucking inconsiderate to those poor, underprivileged ADC mains. Aren’t their lives hard enough? Why would anyone ignore their plaintive cries for help? Disgusting.”

While Martin is just one of many Burundian children concerned with the direction League of Legends has taken, he’s certainly the most vocal, spending the majority of his time complaining to passersby about how the changes to crit itemization has crippled ADC late game carry potential. Considering that Martin’s village has neither electricity nor a working internet connection, this is quite the impressive feat.

Global warming and civil warfare have reduced Burundi to a barren dustbowl, with 35% of its ten million citizens unemployed and 56% of its children suffering from chronic malnutrition. In 2018, the nation was rated as both the hungriest and least happy in the entire world, problems Martin frankly doesn’t have time to worry about.

“Nothing, and I repeat, nothing is more important to me than ensuring that League of Legends remains the most popular and successful game in the world,” the six-year old told Nerfwire, having gone two full days without food or water. “Every day, thousands of Aatrox mains aren’t able to play their favorite champion as an autoattack-focused lifesteal bruiser.”

I’m making a difference,” claims Martin, showing us a postcard. “I sponsor two Aatrox mains in Stoughton, Massachusetts.”

They look happy.

While not fuming about the state of League of Legends, Martin actively lobbies for the cessation of foreign aid to Burundi: not because of their various human rights violations, but because his country receiving 42% of their entire national income from international assistance is “basically a funneling strategy.”