No Way Teammate Washed Hands That Quickly

In an amount of time that his teammates are describing as “a shockingly short time to pee in the first place,” Iowa teen and one third of an Overwatch trio, Brandon Lawger, allegedly used the bathroom last night. Circumstantial evidence and eyewitness reports suggest that in the span of time he was away from his computer, Brandon would in no way have had time to wash his hands, despite insisting otherwise.

We interviewed one of Lawger’s friends, Blake Carnes, who was there the night of Brandon’s too-quick-to-be-true bathroom visit. When we initially asked just how long Brandon had been gone, Carnes replied, “It had to be under 30 seconds. Honestly, I can’t even imagine he had time to make it all the way to the toilet. Unless he didn’t have to go that much, but then why even go in the first place? I didn’t sleep at all last night. Brandon was—I mean, is a friend, but how can you trust someone like that?”

Dr. Aron Barsley of Western Iowa Tech might have some answers. “Here we’ve created a scaled simulation of Brandon’s desk, and the exact circumstances, obstacles, and distance it would have required him to reach his toilet. Between the large pile of clothes on the ground, open closet door blocking the hallway, and statistical likelihood that the lights in his room were off, it’s almost impossible that he would have reached the bathroom with any more than 20 seconds to spare. It’s entirely possible that he would have been able to finish up in there and get back to his desk within the agreed time, but there doesn’t seem to be a way that Brandon could have even done that thing where you just kind of get your hands wet. Not that I do that, other people do that. I have a doctorate, I wash my hands. This interview is over.”

Dr. Barsley is still waiting on ShadowPlay evidence from Darren Costanza, Brandon Lawger’s other teammate, for a more conclusive time to base their simulation on. “I’ve been Brandon’s friend for years, I’ve used that keyboard more times than I could count,” he told Nerfwire. “This whole time when I thought I was typing on keys, was I really typing on Brandon’s… you know? I just don’t know if I can trust him again. If I can trust anyone again.”

When asked about his thoughts on his record time, and the doubts cast upon its legitimacy, Brandon shrugged and nodded towards a bottle of hand sanitizer on his desk.

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