Elon Musk has officially backed out of his deal to purchase Twitter, walking out on the social media platform the same way he walked out on his other neglected children.
“At first, I was really passionate about this deal, but it just feels like too much responsibility now,” said Musk, who previously promised to revolutionize how Twitter is run, and also got an employee pregnant with twins. “I don’t wanna be tied down, you know? Hell, I’m only fifty-one!”
The Twitter deal is not the first promise Musk has failed to fulfill. Other recent examples include his original plans for the hyperloop and the implicit responsibilities of fatherhood to his ten human children.
“Yeah, that sounds like him,” said Musk’s daughter Vivian Wilson, who cited a lack of contact with her father in the decision to change her name. “It’s good to know the guy treats his multibillion-dollar acquisition deals the same way he treats his biological kids.”
At the time of writing, Twitter CEO Parag Agrawal was trying to convince a team of heartbroken employees that this wasn’t their fault.
“It doesn’t mean Elon doesn’t love Twitter, I promise,” Agrawal assured a sobbing developer. “He’ll still be on Twitter every day stealing content from small creators and posting the absolute worst memes you’ve ever seen. Where else can he call a heroic diver a pedophile, or make transphobic vagueposts about his ex-wife’s new girlfriend?”
Musk has already moved on from the Twitter deal, announcing plans to create a flying train that will revolutionize air travel.