Amazon Cuts Out Middleman With New Service Of Just Paying Someone To Pee In Bottle

Amazon Prime users are in for a treat, as the e-commerce giant has just announced a new service: Amazon Drop will allow customers to cut out the middleman and just straight up pay someone to pee in a bottle.

“Amazon is already famous for shopping, shipping, and streaming, but we’re adding another S to our repertoire: sssssssssss,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “That’s the sound piss makes.”

Amazon’s punitively harsh quotas have made peeing in bottles an embarrassing necessity for warehouse workers and delivery drivers alike. Even Bezos himself has confessed to pissing in bottles, but in his case, it’s just because he likes it.

“Amazon Drop is a natural extension of our existing offerings,” explained Drop VP Steve Mnuchin. “Every time you buy something on Amazon, someone needs to pee in a bottle to get it to you. Not only does Drop streamline that process, but you also get to watch.”

Shareholders overwhelmingly praised the announcement, with one stating that it “will put pee bottle power in the hands of consumers.” Reports indicate that shareholders will also be able to watch.

Union representatives were less pleased. “You know what? Feel free to automate this one,” said labor organizer Cobin Wales. “Pissing in bottles on camera? Yeah, you can get a robot for that job.”

What’s even more surprising is that Amazon Drop launches today—Prime Day, July 12—so please, please, don’t participate in the boycott.

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