We here at Nerfwire believe it is time to expand our reach by making articles more frequently and of higher quality. We also believe that we need more publicity, and to that end: sue us Billy Mitchell, you cheating, middle-aged, proto-garden gnome.
By suing us, you’d be doing us a favor. We’re protected by parody law, and more importantly, we have no money. That won’t pay for your expensive lawyer, Billy. You have nothing on us because we have nothing to lose. Please sue us. Your hot sauce tastes like a spicy asshole, and you have the haircut that a serial killer would give a Barbie doll. You sued Regular Show to protect your fragile ego about your appearance, so we’ve taken the liberty of drawing an unflattering picture of you in MS Paint to use as this article’s header image. Please sue us for this. We will settle out of court for like forty-five cents because that is all we have.
The fact that you’re a cheater is well established, so that’s probably not libelous enough to garner a response from your law team. Thus, the following is a list of potentially actionable statements and accusations that we can say thanks to parody law (note that we did just make these up, but please sue us anyway):
- Steve Wiebe can lift more than you, and once sent me pictures of you and him making out.
- You are sexually attracted to Donkey Kong. You have conducted many fantasy roleplays in which your wife is kidnapped and you must rescue her by jumping over barrels to get to her in bed. The barrels are filled with lubricant.
- If you say your name backwards into the mirror three times, it summons a hacked Donkey Kong cabinet that automatically posts bogus point totals to Twin Galaxies.
- You’re a massive Trump supporter. This one may actually be true given the beard, haircut and US flag necktie.
- You believe the Pac-Man ghosts to be real, and sleep with a nightlight in order to avoid being murdered by Blinky as you sleep.
Alright Billy, all of that should be more than enough for you to sue us. At the very least, have your lawyer send us a cease-and-desist that we can post on Twitter. We’re also pretty sure you have a Google alert set up for your name, so we will now make sure you see this.