It’s that time of year again: Christmas is upon us, and this year Steam has quietly begun giving out free anime dating sims, claiming to reward players for their loyalty. You may have ever seen one of these drop into your library—but beware. These free “games” are a ploy to lead to the destruction of modern civilization. Every game that Valve releases for free featuring cute anime women with oddly colored hair is another nail in the coffin of our once pure society, another corrupted mind.
You might think it is crazy, but we have seen it firsthand. Take Trevor Wilco, whom we studied for the purposes of this article: once a strong, upstanding American with good values. He ate at Cracker Barrel weekly, only had procreative sex with his modestly dressed wife, and only on the Lord’s day. One day, however, he got an email of a gift from an anonymous person on Steam. It was Hatoful Boyfriend, and he now has an erotic fixation on pigeons. He’s even taken to gluing feathers to his wife and calling her “wife-chan.”
This is not a new phenomenon. It’s happened since the beginning of time: Mongolians besieging a city would load their catapults with paintings of busty Mongolian MILFs, leading to the slow corruption of the city, making them far too weak and horny to fight back. And the worst part? Now that this article with that phrase is in your browser history, Google is going to think you’re into that shit and give you weird ads when you’re home for Christmas.
But why? Who is to benefit from millions of young men masturbating to I Love You Colonel Sanders? The answer is simple: market manipulation. We spoke to Gabe Newell, the CEO of Valve, who had this to say:
“So you’ve finally figured it out. I guess you expect me to deny it, don’t you? But what artist would deny their masterwork? I suppose I can tell you about my plan. After all, it is too late for you to stop me. Take a seat; I wasn’t asking. You see, there is a lot of money to be made in degrading society. First I made millions on hats in Team Fortress. Then I got millions of children gambling for weapon skins in Counter-Strike. It couldn’t be easier. But it wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more. I suppose that is the curse of money. You always want more. Nay, need more. What is it, Jeeves? A break-in? If you’ll excuse me, I must attend to this immediately, but I do hope you stick around!”
As he left, a gigantic vat of glue spilled on us, leaving us trapped. Covered in Gorilla Glue, and steeled by our determination to get the truth out, we managed to escape through a vent. Something needs to be done to stop Gabe before this gets too far, before we become so weak that we cannot stop the greatest threat to our society:
Mongol hordes microtransactions.