Twitter is ablaze today at the onset of news that could change everything: Tesla CEO Elon Musk is set to acquire the social media platform for 44 billion US dollars. While Musk hasn’t announced many concrete plans for Twitter, he claims to be primarily interested in directing the platform towards “free speech.” In response, Twitter users can’t wait to use their free speech against him the way they know best: through constant personal attacks and credible threats sent pseudo-anonymously through an apparently-quite-expensive social media platform that nobody actually enjoys.
“I’ve done my homework on this guy,” says small-time Twitter user Jimmy Laurent, who asked to remain anonymous. “If he thought the teenager tracking his private flights was bad, wait until he starts regularly receiving serious threats on his and his family’s safety. I’ve got his contact information, I know his address, and I’m building a bot to keep creating new accounts to DM him on. Some people like to call him African-American. Let’s see what happens when we’re allowed to call him the N-word.”
Many such users have their feet on the gas and are raring to get started as soon as the flag goes up. While Twitter currently boasts a robust set of community standards prohibiting targeted harassment and threats of violence, countless trolls are eagerly expecting to see Musk loosen these restrictions.
Musk has notably tweeted that he hopes his worst critics remain on Twitter, but experts say that this is because he hasn’t got a goddamn inkling of what’s coming for him. Sources report that not only does the fifty-year-old billionaire have extraordinarily divorced energy, but there are also pictures of him balding, which they described as a “slam fucking dunk.”
“The community standards aren’t protecting me,” says transgender activist and whistleblower Chelsea Manning. “They’re protecting Elon Musk from me. I’ve got folders full of memes about his relationship with Ghislaine Maxwell, his parents’ apartheid emeralds, and I’m also fucking his ex. Oh, say hi, Claire.”
Musician and undiagnosable anomaly Claire “Grimes” Boucher pokes her head out of the kitchen to wave at us. She is making hash browns.
“What was I saying? Oh yeah,” Manning continues. “As soon as that fucker makes one tiny little slip-up in the anti-harassment rules, I’ll unleash a veritable horde of Italian Elon Musk accounts to tell him to get cancer and remind him that he didn’t actually found Tesla. Then I’ll show his breakdown to the courts so that Claire and I can finally have full custody of X Æ A-Xii. Why would a tunnel solve traffic? It’s a glorified extra lane. What the fuck is new about tunnels?”
After generously providing us some hash browns and their associated NFT to go, Manning assures us that she’s going to “make that [redacted] wish he’d bought LinkedIn.”