“Must Have Been The Wind” Concludes Guard Standing Over Mangled Corpse

Ansha Moonshadow, a veteran of over twelve suncycles in the villainous Order of the Eclipse’s elite Black Guard, was found dead this week on a routine patrol. We caught up with Moonshadow’s closest friend and longtime patrol partner, Benetheris Maricold, for an exclusive interview.

Nerfwire: Benetheris, thanks so much for joining us. First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Benetheris Maricold: No language can communicate the sorrow I feel at Ansha’s passing. And please, call me Benny.

NW: Of course. I hope it’s not too painful to recall, but it’s been reported that you and Ansha had only been separated for a moment when she died. Is that correct?

BM: It is. We’re almost always side by side on these patrols, but I heard a noise that sounded like someone was deliberately trying to draw my attention elsewhere. It seemed worth checking out, so Ansha stayed behind while I investigated. When it turned out to be nothing, I returned to my post to find my closest friend in all the Seven Kingdoms lifeless on the ground.

NW: Again, my condolences. I only hope the hunt for the perpetrator is successful so that you might find closure.

BM: That’s alright, I’m at peace with it. We both knew the risks when we swore the sacred blood oath that bound our souls to the dark god Sezrax. I only pray she finds her rest in the eternal horizon, where light meets the darkness. As much as I thirst for vengeance, these things happen. You can’t fight the wind.

NW: Of course whoever did this was shifty and undetectable, much like the wind, but surely you wish to see them brought to justice?

BM: Oh no, I mean it was literally just the wind.

NW: Oh… kay. Um, what?

BM: She was most likely just knocked over by a stiff gust of wind, perishing on impact with the ground. Like I said, these things happen.

NW: I really don’t even know where to begin with what you just told me. I don’t think that’s ever happened to anyone, ever. Wasn’t she clad in full armor?

BM: Female armor.

NW: Okay, fair point, but her body was found with dozens of broken bones, multiple stab wounds, and severe burns from head to toe. The autopsy revealed water in her lungs, which means she also drowned somehow. How could the wind have done that?

BM: There was no one around.

NW: There—what? Are you serious?

BM: I thought you wanted to pay respects to a fallen soldier. It seems all you want to do is insult my intelligence. I won’t continue to sit here and have Ansha’s memory scorned.

NW: Wait, I—

Benny proceeded to strike down our reporter in cold blood, daring the rest of the crew to say something. The interviewer respawned the next day and is currently in good health.