Great news, gamers—the Ouya Series X game lineup has just been revealed in a surprise leak! According to the leaker, a mysterious figure known only as “Not Julie Uhrman”, the lineup for this highly anticipated console will include Cyberpunk 2077, Super Mario Odyssey 2, Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla and Jesus Christ we can’t fucking do this anymore.
We believed, you know. Us and sixty thousand other fools believed in the Ouya. A console by the people, for the people. A console where the manufacturers actually encouraged user modification, where they included a dev kit with the package. A console that would have more power than a fucking smartphone. A smartphone from 2013. The Ouya couldn’t hit 30 FPS running fucking Candy Crush.
And so, here we are. Alone in our houses, not having touched another person in years, listening quietly while everyone around us complains about not having touched another person in days. Our Ouyas on the shelf, forlorn. In 2019, Razer, the company that had bought Ouya Inc. out, shut down the cloud, made all the apps unusable. The Ouya is just a brick now. Well, it was pretty close to a brick to begin with, but at least you could play Towerfall on it. That game was okay.
Nothing can compare to the pain we feel whenever we read an article about the failure that Ouya became. Whenever we invariably hear the phrase “who ever thought this would be a good idea?” we think, “we did!” We donated forty dollars! We got a shirt, or something. Some of the developers probably still have jobs. One or two may have even been desperate enough to put it on their resume. In really small font.
Anyways, uh, what were we saying? Right. Yeah. The Ouya Series X will have Breath of the Wild… Seven. That’s funny, right? Maybe Soulja Boy is involved, somehow. That was a thing, once. Remember the Soulja Game? Remember laughing? Remember having dreams?
(Editor’s Note: Do NOT publish this. Also, increase the monthly Prozac budget for the staff.)